It Hasn't Left.

I thought I was ready. I really did. I thought this year would be different, that five years would be enough time to at least come to terms completely.

Boy, was I wrong.

It hasn't left me yet. It hasn't gone away. It still lingers, somewhere in the back of my mind, haunting me.

I don't expect it to be over. No, that is something that will probably never happen. All I want is to be able to speak of it as freely on these two days as I am able to on every other day. Is that so much to ask?

Because these are the two days that kindle people's memories. These are the two days that people will come up to me and ask about her. These are the two days that I will have to dredge through some of my best and worst memories with her and answer to people. So all I want is to be able to talk to them without tripping on my own voice. But, gods above, that is the one thing that still never does seem to happen.

I still stutter, causing people to give me looks of sympathy and pity that I absolutely hate. I still choke on my words, causing people to hug me and tell me they understand.

Don't give me that! I know your intentions are good, and that you're trying to help, but you will never understand. Ever. Unless you go through it yourself, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

It's been five years, almost, so you would have thought i would be able to live with the memory in peace.

But on these two days, the ghosts return.